Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Tuesday, 24 September 2024 06:31

Secondary Survivors
by Teresia Smith

Intimate partner abuse affects more than just the victim. Yes, survivors suffer the most lasting effects of abuse; however, individuals who are close to them, referred to as the secondary survivors, can suffer as well. Ruth Spalding, a psychotherapist and social worker, shares the following: “Secondary survivors are people who are likely to be affected by relational abuse or isolation, so, close friends and relatives of a survivor. Someone who will suffer because the survivor is suffering; someone who regularly talks and socializes with the survivor, which means they may likely be cut out of the survivor’s life when the abuser becomes controlling. They may not always be directly abused with threats or verbal abuse, though this can happen. They experience quite a bit of pain because their friend is in pain.”

So how could an abuser try to separate the survivor from their support system? Often, the abuser may appear loudmouthed and confrontational around family and friends. They may become intoxicated and difficult to be around so the friends or family may shy away. Since he never allows his victim to go anywhere alone, he has easily managed to isolate them. Sometimes, the abuser will gaslight the victim and that along with psychological abuse that can cause behaviors such as paranoia may make them seem less believable. Thus, friends and family may be unknowingly manipulated by the abuser into thinking the victim is imagining things and is just “crazy”. And again, the abuser has easily separated the victim from their support.

If you are close to someone who is living in abuse, you may experience worry, sadness and anxiety. You may be afraid for your loved one but don’t know how to help. You may even feel angry and frustrated that the victim may not be ready to leave the relationship. The best thing you can do for someone who discloses to you that they are in an abusive relationship is to listen to them without judgment. You may feel drained and exhausted after listening to their story but having a safe place to process their feelings is important. If you find yourself feeling angry because they won’t leave the relationship, check that you don’t place blame on the victim or shame them. Many dynamics are at play which can make it hard for a victim to leave.

So, what do you do? First, ensure your safety. Leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for everyone. You may even have to reduce your contact to maintain your mental health. You may experience emotional conflict because you want to help them leave but they may not be ready. Knowing the available resources in your area is a good start. There are domestic violence victim services, counseling, shelter, and advocacy available in many cities, including Jackson County. If you have to step back to protect your mental health, make sure your loved one knows they can contact you for help when they are ready.

In Jackson County, Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to victims of intimate partner violence and sexual assault. You may reach the local office at 256.574.5826. You may also reach our 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000. You are not alone.