Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Friday, 06 September 2024 09:13

Subtle Abuse Behaviors
by Teresia Smith

Do you think you can always tell if someone is being abused? It’s easier to see abuse if someone is yelling at their partner and threatening to harm them, or possibly throwing things across a room, pushing them into a wall while calling them belittling names. Those are all clear signs that abuse is happening. But what about the more subtle abusive behaviors? Often a victim struggles to identify the abuse, doubting their perceptions.
DomesticShelters.org reports that many victims didn’t realize they were being abused until after they left their partner and had some time to reflect. They knew something was off, they knew they didn’t feel safe or they described the feeling of walking on eggshells at all times, but they couldn’t see it as abuse. If this is how you are feeling, below we will outline some of the “silent” forms of abuse that can keep someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

First, there is the silent treatment. Everyone, even in healthy relationships, might find themselves shutting down occasionally when angry with their partners. Often this is to give ourselves time to cool off so we don’t say things we may regret. Normally, it doesn’t last long and couples can discuss the issues. However, abusers use this tactic cruelly and frequently. It can be used to isolate the victim. An abuser may refuse even to acknowledge their partner’s existence just to watch the power they hold. An abuser may demand the survivor beg and plead for their attention before the abuser acknowledges them again. According to Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, abuse survivors report that the insults and yelling are somewhat less emotionally damaging than the silent treatment. This was because at least when they are being verbally abused they know what the abuser is thinking and they can better evaluate their safety. Being given the cold shoulder/silent treatment can make a victim feel even more helpless and fearful.

Another subtle abuse tactic is the unspoken threat. Sometimes it may be something small that only the abuser and victim can discern. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy,” you’ll remember the scene when Julia Roberts’ character opens up the kitchen cabinets in her home to find all of the canned goods lined up immaculately with the labels facing outward. Some may think this is just a sign of a very organized person. However, at that very moment, she knew her violent ex-husband had broken into her house. Abusers know what can trigger a victim’s fear. Other ways they use unspoken threats could be leaving a gun lying out on a table, or possibly installing cameras all around the home to remind the victim they are always being watched. It could also be canceling the victim’s credit card, taking them off bank accounts, or even hiding car keys so they can’t leave. Frequently, the abuser will give the victim a “look” that the victim knows means the abuser is angry. Just the look is an unspoken threat.

Lastly, we examine coercive control. These can be a range of behaviors used to control their partner. The abuser makes the rules for the victim to follow and the abuser will punish them if they perceive their rules have been broken. Though coercive control can include verbal and physical abuse, they also use other things that at first seem like care and concern. One such tactic is love-bombing, where an abuser showers the victim with excessive gifts and shows interest in everything the victim likes. This is used to build up a victim’s self-esteem and make them feel attached to the abuser. At this point, the abuser will begin to tear the victim down and make them feel desperate to get back to that good feeling that was at the beginning of the relationship, living for the moments in between abuse when they feel loved.

A second coercive control tactic is gaslighting. This is where the abuser makes a victim doubt their thinking by saying things such as “That didn’t happen”, “You are imagining things”, “I love you so much I would never hurt you” or even “You are just being overly dramatic”. The abuser makes you think you are crazy but your gut instinct is that you are in danger. Always trust your instincts.
The last coercive control tactic we will examine is isolation. This could be by moving them away from friends and family to a location where they know no one. This can also be as simple as not allowing the victim to visit friends or family and only allowing them to spend time with the abuser. Sometimes this is combined with love-bombing when they convince the victim that their friends aren’t good for them and the abuser is the only one who truly loves them.

All of these tactics are red flags. The earlier you can spot these warning signs, the easier it will be to escape. Once you are living together or have children together, the barriers to leaving become larger; but, it is never too late to leave. Abuse almost always worsens so the most important thing is to reach out for support.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to victims of intimate partner violence or sexual assault. You may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000 where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor. Reach out. You are not alone.