Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Thursday, 29 August 2024 08:16

Minimizing Abuse
by Teresia Smith

“There is no justification for abuse by a partner, but it’s also hard to admit you’re a victim” (Amanda Kippert). Many intimate partner abuse survivors have a hard time accepting that their partner’s behaviors are abusive. There is a part of them that wants to excuse behaviors and even blame themselves. Until you are out of the relationship and can look back with clarity, you may not truly understand the abuse you experienced. However, there are some signs to look for that may help you realize you need to leave.
Do you recognize any of these excuses in yourself or someone close to you?
It doesn’t happen all the time.

Those who abuse rarely are abusive all the time. They may even be very romantic and caring the first times you meet them, or in between episodes. (This is also called love-bombing.) An abuser may pretend he or she never abused you and will never acknowledge their abuse or even discredit your memory of it. (This is also called gaslighting.) You may even be able to be convinced it was just a one-time thing that will never happen again. In between incidents, everything may seem good on the surface of your relationship. Yet, there’s a big difference between an occasional argument and abuse. In an abusive relationship, the survivor of abuse usually feels uneasy, just waiting for something to happen, most of the time, even when things seem calm. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to trigger an abusive event. This is why it’s important to listen to your instincts. Do you dread going home? Are you afraid to talk to your partner about pretty much anything? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells at all times? These can be serious red flags.

But he’s never hit me.
Abuse can also be psychological, mental, emotional, financial, or sexual. It can start as bullying, name-calling, embarrassing someone on purpose, isolating them from family and friends, or working to tear down their self-esteem. Often the abuse begins in non-physical ways but frequently will escalate to physical abuse when the abuser feels they may be losing control of the victim.
He can’t help it—he had a traumatic childhood.

It is true that enduring abuse in childhood does increase one’s risk for becoming abusive as an adult, or becoming a victim of abuse. But being abusive toward a partner is a choice. It is a person’s responsibility to reach out for help to overcome childhood scars so they can be successful adults. Blaming your past is not a valid excuse and a victim cannot be made to feel sorry for the abuser’s history.
He’s only like this when he drinks. Once he gets sober, it’ll stop. I can help fix him.
Someone once said that an abuser who stops drinking is just a sober abuser. While alcohol can definitely increase the risk of abuse, drinking does not cause someone to just begin abusing their partner out of nowhere. But many abusers will use the alcohol excuse to minimize their abusive choices. They may also try to guilt a survivor into staying with them because of their addictions. Again, the victim cannot be held responsible to “fix” the abuser.

These are all excuses used to keep victims in abusive relationships. No one ever intends on being in a relationship with an abusive partner and most of us have probably said we’d never stay with an abuser. Then you meet someone who seems caring and romantic but maybe you discover they have a temper or jealousy issues. At first, we excuse it as stress responses or maybe they just had too much to drink or they just care so much about us. Then it becomes more frequent and by this time you care about the person. It’s normal to want to make excuses for them and it’s difficult to admit we have unwittingly become a victim ourself, especially when we’ve told others we’d never stay in that environment.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, there are services available to you. Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to survivors of intimate partner abuse and sexual assault. You may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment with an advocate. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000, where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor. You are not alone.